just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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