i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
