I wish they made helmets for livers.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm like, not good at living.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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