Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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