ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
