every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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