I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
