i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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