Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
