I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
