Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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