If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
