The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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