This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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