tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
