it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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