I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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