She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
