i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
