I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
