Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
