i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
