She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
