I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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