I need to stop coming to work sober
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
