I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
