I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
he just fucked me for my cheese.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
