Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
