Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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