Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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