You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
