At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
