the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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