I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
