You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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