I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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