I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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