Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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