It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
