Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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