all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
