Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
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