4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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