Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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