Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
