the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
