What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
