Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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