I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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