Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
BRING THE BAGELS
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
