look no pants
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
how drunk are you?
Several
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
